Vulnerability II

[I will do a delightful “We’re in Louisiana now!” post at some point. Because we are indeed here and have been for nearly 6 months. I’m just not going to write it today.]

I wish I could just open my head and spill it all on here, so I wouldn’t have to formulate things into actual words and feelings. I have started this post four times today, and each time, I delete it back to the opening brackets.

There’s no way to tell people how down you feel without sounding like a.) a whiny baby filled with self-pity or b.) you are a threat to yourself and others. I’d say there’s no middle ground between these two, but honestly there’s no widely accepted starting point to this sort of conversation. This is how I imagine it would be:

Jack: Hey, I’m feeling pretty down.

Jill: I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?

Jack: Probably not.

Jill: Uh…well…uh…

[Awkward silence with no eye contact]

Jack: Nevermind. Hey, are you going to play Powerball?

Or maybe that’s just my jaded perception of how it would go. I would much rather be Jill in this situation than Jack, because then I wouldn’t have to assume I’m bothering the other person by admitting I have some heavy shit going on in my head. (I mean honestly, what does Jack want Jill to do about it?!)

When you feel shitty, I’ve heard you are supposed to talk about it with those that care about you. I have a hard time with this–I feel like if and when I do this (and I have done it before), I am holding the other person in an emotional hostage situation, where they are suddenly responsible for making me feel better. I’m a pushy broad, but even I have my limits. How to people do this? Maybe the question instead is How do people depend on others?

Once again, it all comes down to vulnerability. I still intend on writing a vulnerability poem someday, just as soon as feel I can do so without giving away all of my power. (For further reference about this supposed upcoming vulnerability poem, see here.)

Life is hard right now. There are obstacles coming at us like barrels in Donkey Kong–just when we think we’ve jumped over them all, there’s another one coming. I’m a positive person–it was my main strength as identified through Strengthsfinder 2.0–and even I’m having a hard time finding the silver lining here.


Never. Ending. Barrels. 

Not only am I a positive person, but I am a strong one, too. Capable, resourceful, thrifty, you name it. When the shit hits the fan, I’m there with a bucket and a jug of Clorox. But guys, I’m tired. I’m not up for this being strong thing anymore. What I really want to do is pull a Britney, shave my head, and have my parents (or anyone willing) take over my life for a couple of years.

I am much too proud to ever have any of that happen, of course, but the appeal of being rescued is overwhelming. I wonder what it would be like. I will probably never know. I’m at the point right now where I feel like no decision I make is the right one, nor has any decision I’ve ever made been the right one. Everything going on feels like (and most likely is) 100% my doing, and no one wants to hear me complain about it. At least, that’s how I’d approach things if I came to me looking for comfort.

And that’s really all I’m looking for. Selfishly. Many people have worse lives than I do. My problems pale in comparison.

I hesitate to even post this because I don’t know how to act when someone acts concerned. I tough-love myself and anything in that vein that someone could say to me has already been said myself.

I am getting up every day, taking care of myself and my family, problem-solving, and feeling like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Not that I’d know what to do if someone offered to take some of the weight for me, but it would sure be nice to have an offer. Well, in theory, anyway.






2 thoughts on “Vulnerability II

  1. Be sure to give yourself a lot of credit for this: “I am getting up every day …” That can be harder than it sounds. Beyond that, I hope you will take every opportunity to be good to yourself.

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