“Sincerity is the one great artistic crime. Insincerity is the second greatest.” -Pessoa
This is one of the quotes I have next to my desk. Sometimes I think it’s a lot of bullshit. But sometimes, I agree with the duality of the statement. Which are both sentiments I have about myself.
I feel like I have two sides to my life: the funny, snarky, sometimes not-all-that-helpful side; and the serious, wise, contemplative side. These two sides never seem to meet up. I find that when I write poetry, this more serious side comes out, but in my every day life, it’s the funny, sometimes rude, side.
I’ve always felt like this, but it wasn’t until Jesse read this blog that it seemed to be more important. After every post, he said, “I think I like this Jessica more.” I understand why he thinks that; most of my Facebook posts are funny and clever, and if I’m talking about him, it’s generally making fun of him (in a nice, spouse-like way). I have written about him in the past on my other blog, and get some laughs out of it. He laughs, too, but I’m sure it gets old.
Why am I so wired to be like this? Why can’t I be serious and lovey-dovey and wise in real life? Obviously, I can in certain situations, but as a friend once said to me about himself, “I idle at funny.”
(Not that I am always funny. I mean, I think I am, but more reasonable minds may differ.)
I’m seeing it in my kids. Casey, especially, thinks it’s his goal in life to be funny. And I’m not so sure that’s such a great goal. But I see why he thinks so. I am his mom; he sees it every day. I need to show more of my second self to the world and to the kids, but I guess I just don’t know how to start now.
It’s not a bad thing to have these two sides, but I wish they’d meet up more often.